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by Roberta de Boer, columnist
The Blade (Toledo, OH)
07-16-98
Memo to: City of Toledo
From: Historic Site Theme Park & Parking Lot Developers, Inc. (Our motto: "We'll take any rundown historic site and make a buck on it!"
Re: Development proposal for Fallen Timbers 1794 battlefield
Thank you for the informative tour last week of the 434-acre parcel now offered by your municipality for immediate development. We were duly impressed with the lovely expanse of available land and certainly appreciated the VIP treatment accorded us.
When Mayor Carty Finkbeiner, standing on a low ridge against the setting sun, swept his hand across the vista before us, exhorting us to look at the big picture and imagine the commercial possibilities, why, we couldn't help but compare your visionary mayor with a mighty general in the heat of battle.
Inspiring. Truly inspiring.
Along those same lines, we at Historic Site Theme Park & Parking Lot Developers, Inc., (our slogan: "We turn history into profit!") believe we have devised an equally inspiring proposal for use of the remaining acreage.
We think you'll appreciate our proposal. Not only does it offer a unique land-use plan, it also can effectively silence the shrill, short-sighted opponents who criticize the city for raffling off this quote-unquote significant battleground.
It goes without saying, of course, that we all realize how the Battle of Fallen Timbers represents a real turning point in American history, leading to the white settlement of Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, blah, blah, blah, so and so forth. Whatever.
Why to listen to those historians and preservationists tell it, Fallen Timbers was the original Garden of Eden or something. In reality, of course, we as shrewd business people understand only too well that this site, in the poetic words of the city's acting development director, is merely something for which tax-paying Toledoans should "maximize our return on the land."
So, yes, we at Historic Site Theme Park & Parking Lot Developers, Inc. (our credo: "History, but at a price!") feel that development will occur with considerably less opposition if done with so-called "sensitivity" to the historic aspects of this site.
Accordingly, we are prepared to show you preliminary design plans for -- ta da! -- what we are proud to call The Extravaganza of 1794! The Fallen Timbers Battlefield and Midway: Fun for the whole family!
Our authentic theme park -- complete with thrilling rides, concession stands, souvenir gift shoppes, and historically costumed park employees -- will strive to create an historically accurate sense of place and time, although it is still too early to determine whether it will be Pepsi or Coke that snares the soft-drink rights.
The beauty of this proposal, of course, is that it highlights the very qualities that opponents to commercial development say they want to preserve.
And, if we do say so ourselves, it achieves this in a most American fashion, to wit, looking at a coupla acres of ragweed and finding a darn good reason to charge admission.
(Note: We do endorse school group discounts, however, as long as the groups agree to stop at one of our concessions for licensed-character action toys, featuring General Anthony "Mad Tony" Wayne, before leaving the grounds.)
We at Historic Theme Park & Parking Lot Developers, Inc. (Our mission statement: "To look back, but only with an eye toward a rich future!") look forward to a long and profitable relationship with the Toledo region. Let's schedule a ground-breaking ceremony real soon.
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